Strange Worlds

Vacation Time!!!!!!

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 16:15:13 GMT

Lord, it's here! Vacation! Finally after the longest summer ever, I'll be at home with the family, camping with Jake, and seeing some old friends. Rest and relaxation are here. Admittedly, moving things has been a bitch. I have to thank Tony and Jesse tons for their help. I did buy them pizza, but I feel like I should do more. I'll think of something.

I'm not ready for school yet. I'm excited to see friends and move in with my fantastic roommates, but class...I only had a month and a half off. Next summer I'll think this through more.

I am missing my room already though. For a whole year, it was mine. I've never had a place of my own. A place I felt safe in. So many wonderful memories there...Jake, Tony, Rin, Jesse, Rob, Kaylin, Hayley, Meredith, Dora, etc. Of course, some not-so-good things happened, but, all-in-all, I'm happy. I'll always remember it as my first sanctuary. The first place my nightmares didn't steal.

So, I have sixteen days of peace and healing. I need it. I'll be off grid except my cell for a bit (no internet at home). Peace!

Updates

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 17:02:06 GMT

So a lot has happened in a week.

Last weekend I went to Jake's house for the first day I had off either job in 3 weeks. I spent Friday with Hayley where I got my haircut and saw the X-Files movie. Then Jake and I saw Dark Knight. Saturday Jake, his sister Jo, Rob, and I went bowling, much to my dismay, and the to Red Lobster. I got to meet my new nephew (Jake's sister's baby Jack). He cries more than any other child in the world.

Anyway, Sunday I had to work at 5 so I had to leave Jake's by 3. But, I was sleeping in Jake's room (parent's rules) when his cell phone rang and woke me up at 8:30 in the morning. It was my mother. I was kind of pissed and was short with her. She was quiet and blurted out, "Mamie (my stepdad's mom) received last rights and you need to come say goodbye." I felt like I had been punched.

"Ok, I have to work, but I'll be there tomorrow." I don't remember walking to where Jake was sleeping. The next thing I know I'm curled against Jake, sobbing. He told me to call work and ask off and go to Mamie. My store manager Scott told me to go see her and he'd find a replacement (my thanks to Bax for taking my shift).

I tried to eat breakfast while Jake's family stared at me. I kept crying. Jake took me back to his room where he held me and I feel asleep. I guess after all that's happened this summer with class, work, Haydon and Sam, and general loneliness I was spent. I felt empty and just exhausted.

I woke up at about 11:30. I took a shower (cried the whole time). I tried to pack and put make up on, but I kept sobbing. I begged Jake to go with me. I've never done this. My grandfather died and no one told me. I've never lost anyone like this. I was also thinking about if this were my Granma or Granpa who helped raise me.

Jake said no. He was actually rude about it saying knowing me and my family that he'd never get back home. He said in a whole year and a half I haven't changed even though I thought I had. It was worse than if he had hit me. I was hurt and angry and just done with men.

I started crying harder than I ever have. He tried to talk to me, but I was close to leaving him and never coming back. He tried to explain. He proceeded to tell me that I've changed a little but not as much as I had thought. But, before you judge him, he said I love you like you are, but I see how it hurts you. You aren't happy.

He was right. I'm not happy. He said that I've been hurt so much that I hide and adapt around people so no one sees me. I showed Haydon who I am and was hurt...just another nail in the coffin. Jake said he wants to help if I want his help. I said yes.

The first step is to see myself as beautiful, whether it be make up or my personality. Apparently, Jake's mom hates me because I wear too much make up and because she thinks I'm just playing games with Jake. But, she has never liked any of his girlfriends and probably would hate anyone he chose.

So, even though Jake has very bad timing, he's going to help me get past this fear I have. I'm afraid of people seeing me as not perfect, as not strong, and different than the person that I've tried to be. So, I'm going to try from now on to be the person I really am. It's not going to be pretty. I'm very stoic and have a hard time letting lose, so...yeah it's going to suck for awhile.

But, I've got some good friends like Tony, Jesse, Rin, Hayley, Haja, Katie, Meredith, Dora, Kaylin, and, of course, Jake who will help me and stand by me. I'm not sure about Haydon or Sam at this point. I doubt I'll see Sam much due to our busy schedules. And, Haydon...well considering we have barely spoken since he left, I don't have any clue. I do admit to some bitterness for reasons better kept to myself, but it's there. I'm trying. Lord knows I'm trying.

Oh, before I forget. I went up to Jasper and said goodbye to Mamie. I drove back to Louisville the next day because Mom said it's better than staying there.

Next week can't some soon enough. I'll have 16 days of no work, school, or other bothersome things. Just Jake, Mom, Hannah, and my extended family. And books...lots of books. I need to recover. Thankfully, Rin is taking me shopping tomorrow before I work at the Breaking Dawn opening. Then Saturday off. Sunday 4-close. Monday ARC 9-5 and then TJ. Tuesday to Thursday no clue and home Thursday night. Camping with Jake until Monday plus Holiday World.

I'll post again before I'll be gone, and then school.

Oh, by the way, Mamie has not yet passed, but it's any day now.

So yeah the summer is ending soon

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 16:44:19 GMT

Just 2 and a half weeks and I'm back home for 16 days of vacation. I can make it! I'm just burned out. I'm counting the hours until Thursday when I get to see Jake (30 and a half).

I'm trying to get moving all sorted out as well as making certain I'm off work to do it. *sigh* I just need a break. I'll be closing tonight at work and then tomorrow and Thursday I work 9-5...yippee? I know I need money, but seriously I'm dead tired. I kind of wish I could go back in time when you could farm and stuff to take care of yourself. I'm not saying it's easier...hell no...but you didn't have to worry about stuff like retirement or gas or modern conveniences. Oh well, I guess that's why I'm a history major :-).

The good thing is I have Breaking Dawn to look forward to for next week...just one week!!! *squeal* I'll finish it that day and post immediately when finished. I just can't wait to dive back into the story. As of right now I'm finishing His Dark Materials. Great series...highly recommend it.

Oh! I started a new counselor today. My old one is moving or something. This new one is nice and has been briefed on what's been going on. She is even going deeper into why all this is going on and such. I like her. She's also an art therapist so that will be interesting.

Poem..comments welcome

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 21:50:54 GMT

Ok, for those of you that know me, I love to write. But, I have stayed away from poetry. Why? Because my mother is a poet. All my life I have avoided being like her, so no painting, drawing, sculpting, or poetry. I just write like her and take damn good photographs. However, recently I have discovered a talent for all of the things my mother has a talent for. Since I don't have my artworks available for me to share with you, I can share my poetry. Now this one is still being worked on and any suggestions are welcome. Note: I tend to write deep poems, just a warning. If you like this, just let me know and I'll post more.

Think

I didn't
think about you
today.

Your voice
didn't haunt
me.

Your eyes
didn't mesmerize
me.

Your arms
offered no
warmth.

Your laugh
disappeared from me
like fog in the sunlight.

My soul
didn't feel
incomplete and lonely.

I didn't think.
I tried
not to.

I tried.

God I hate this

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 17:58:33 GMT

Well, I've worked everyday since last Sunday, and I won't get a break until Friday. I'll be heading to Jake's Thursday night until Sunday or Monday depending upon my work schedule. I have never been this tired. I slept from 6pm to 9:30pm last night, then from 4am to 12:30pm today. I've got work at 4pm, so I had to wake up or I'm certain I'd still be asleep.

I've had an eventful few days: work, Batman, and Video Games Live. Batman was amazing! It was worth not sleeping much that night. Work was work. VGL was wonderful. I always have fun with Tony and Jesse. I was worried about spending time with Sam though. After all that has happened I wasn't sure what it'd be like to actually hang out with her. We are just such different people. I don't know what's going on there. I do miss having her as a friend.

I dreamt last night (my night was full of dreams and nightmares) that I was with Jake in London on business (I was in my 30's). He was sleeping at the hotel, so I went to the British Museum. I was chatting with the curator, who was a friend apparently, when I was tapped on the shoulder. I turned to see Haydon and Sam standing there. They were married, and I obviously hadn't seen them in a several years. They started talking to me and acting like it'd be only a few weeks since we last talked, but I had a feeling of awkwardness. They asked about Jake and we went to the hotel to wake him for dinner. We go to dinner together and the whole time I sat there quiet. Jake was fine. He tells them I'm expecting (yeah, I know) twins in April. They congratulate me. They hold hands and move just a bit closer to each other. I wake up. Then a nightmare about Jake dying follows (very common dream for me).

Well, if you read this journal at all you'll know about Haydon. We've barely talked since he's been back to England. It's been a combination of me being busy, him having to work all night, and him talking to Sam. I've missed talking to him, but I kind of expected this. He and Sam talked a lot when they were sort of together back in the winter. Now that they've met and made it official, it's only to be expected. And, new couples tend to cling to each for awhile until the newness is gone. Jake and I did it after all. Most couples have periods of that.

I miss him though. I fear that dream coming true. I would hate to feel that about someone who I consider a brother. I used to be able to talk to him about anything. But, now I'm afraid of saying something that would seem inappropriate to Sam. For God's sake I used to talk to him about everything from politics to sex. I just don't know how she feels about friends of her boyfriend who happen to be girls. I should've kept my mouth shut like I normally do. I'll regret that for the rest of my life.

I can't talk to Jake about it anymore either. He yelled at me the other day for it. He's sick of hearing about it. He says that I knew this would happen, and I should expect to lose touch with Haydon. I know he's thinking back to him and Liz (the girl who introduced us). He lost touch with her after he fell in love with me. The situation is very similar.

Who knows what will happen? I sure don't at this point. I've got an idea, but I don't want to dwell on it. All I can do right now is go to work, sleep, eat when I remember, and just get through each day until Thursday night. Maybe some time away from BU, Sam, Haydon, and work are what I need.

God, I hate this.... I'm sorry for such depressing posts. Good news though is I get to see my new nephew next weekend as well as Hayley, Rob, and Skylar. I will also get my hair cut and redyed. So, there's some good news.

The Belvedere...read after today's earlier post.

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 20:24:31 GMT

I had a meeting at the Frazier International History Museum today after work. I was still upset about what happened this morning and was looking forward to some time away from everyone and BU. After the 30-minute meeting I decided to walk a bit since I still had three and a half hours left on my parking ticket.

I began walking down Main Street toward the Belvedere. It was hot and humid, but I didn't care. I just kept thinking about this morning and everything that's been going on in my life. I felt bogged down and heavy.

I reached the Belvedere, a nice walkway near the Kentucky Arts Center. The last time I was there was when I took Haydon and Sam on Haydon's birthday. That didn't make things any easier. I felt little weights being added at every step and memory. I was having trouble breathing.

Then, I saw a couple holding hands walking toward me. I was hit with a feeling of loneliness. I missed Jake. I missed him and wished he was there with me. I wanted to fall down and lay on the hot cobble stones. I didn't want to move.

I'm not sure what kept me up and walking but I started snapping photos of everything on the Belvedere: statues, scenery, fountains, ducks, etc. I was sweating, and I thought I might faint. I didn't care. Lots of things were running through my mind. But, I realized how much I loved Jake and how the only other man I've felt something like that for wouldn't have worked. There are many reasons, but I focused on the big ones. Some of the pressure started to fade. I was beginning to breathe.

The sweat was like a baptism. I felt my pain begin to leave. The longer I walked, the lighter I felt. I noticed men staring at me and some even shouting obscenities. I was flattered because I felt pretty after a month of not thinking I was more than a plain, overweight thing.

I was hungry. I hadn't eaten because of how upset I'd been. I stopped at a Subway and ordered a $5 foot-long (ham, provolone, lettuce, tomatoes, oil, vinegar--toasted on white) with a Cherry Coke. I was smiling. Huh.

I saw how much I love Jake and how much fun this past year and a half with him has been. I've learned about myself as well as him (how he likes applesauce on pizza, hates coffee, covers his mouth when he eats, etc.) Not only do I love him, he's my best friend. If we decided not to be in a relationship, we'd still be close. It wouldn't hurt like other relationships would. Wow.

I reached my car and sat for a bit to cool down. I don't know if I'll still be close to the other man. That's still in a weird place. But, I know where Jake and I stand as well as what I need. If Jake transfers to Oregon, I'll try my hardest to follow. I could give up a lot for him. Not out of passion or initial love...out of pure loyalty and friendship.

I still have some heaviness in my heart and it'll take a long time to be myself again. Today was the first step with dozens to follow. Just wait and see.

Writing

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 15:27:17 GMT

So, I'm sitting here at work acting like I'm working and I felt like writing all of a sudden. I haven't gotten to work on my own stuff in awhile, and I'm missing it terribly. I have been drawing and painting, but not writing. I know it's largely due to the fact that I've had classes this summer, but, still, no progress whatsoever. I think this is why I've been so out of sorts. Writing my poetry or fiction gives me a good outlet for my emotions. Without that outlet...well, I'm downright screwed. I think that after my last class this Thursday, I'm going to sit down and just write and write and write. It could be anything: poetry, the book, short stories, etc.

Maybe it would help my current situation that I wrote about last night. Who knows...it could actually bleed into my writing and change the work entirely.

We'll just have to wait and see...

Sigh

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 05:08:02 GMT

Well, I know I don't write on here much. I tend to forget to update these kind of things regardless of if they are an actual journal or not. I thought it was high time I did, especially now.

I've discovered a lot about myself lately. A lot. First, that I'm an idiot. Second, I have Nicole Kidman's British accent. Third, I need to stop apologizing. Last, I wish that I could go back in time.

To explain the first is rather long, but I'll summarize. I realized that I had certain feelings for a friend that everyone saw except me. In the process of having these unknown feelings I hurt a good friend. I never did anything on purpose. I never intentionally set out to hurt her or anyone else. But, I did. Everyone else, including the person I have feelings for, is ok and we've worked it out. But, the girl, well, I don't know if she will ever forgive me for it. I know I can't do anything to fix it other than apologize, which I've done. However, I know this guilt will haunt me for a long time, especially when one factors in that the guy likes her and they are sorta kinda together now...yeah twisted right? (My life sucks.) Be assured that nothing has happened between him and me. We have loads of self-control in the matter.

The second one came about when talking to someone and allowing myself to use my accent. I never do that. I'm too damn shy. It slipped, and he smiled and said how good it was. It helps that he's English, too. It made me feel good. It's just another milestone on my road of confidence-building. I have very little confidence in myself. It helped to hear that I can actually speak like those silly Brits when I admire their language so much.

The third branches off of the first. I keep apologizing for my feelings. Everyone keeps saying to stop it. I can't. I feel like whatever I feel is wrong and shouldn't be felt. For example, falling in love with that friend...well, that's wrong, and I should be guilty for it. But why? Why should I be guilty? I can't answer that. The more I think about it though, the more I realize that it isn't my problem loving him. If someone has an issue with it then it's their problem. It only becomes my problem if someone gets hurt by an action of mine, like if I had kissed him. If that had occurred then I would have not only hurt my boyfriend or the girl, but I and the man would be hurt. The I should feel tons of guilt. But, now, I shouldn't. I love him deeply and it'll take a bit to convert it to "friendship love." But, until then as long as I behave then I shouldn't apologize.

The fourth is just randomness really. It'd be great to go back and take more chances to reduce many of my regrets that I now see. But, life is saturated with regrets. *sigh* Life is unpredictable, difficult, and wonderful.

Feel free to comment on this one but please nothing negative. I feel guilty enough thanks.

Updates and such

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 20:00:34 GMT

So I hated the world for awhile. I was just so annoyed with people and stress that I lost it for a bit. I won't apologize for it. I took time away for me which isn't wrong. Even though I had people saying I was being selfish just because I wouldn't deal with their drama.

I'm better now. It was out of the blue. My friends from England came last weekend, Jake came up, my grandparents and mother called me, and Katherine and I are friends again. It was what my heart needed. I became whole again. I could feel all my sadness and pain melt away.

The only stress right now is money. I'm looking for a job and think I might have one, but it doesn't mean I'm not still worried.

But, I assure you that I am better. I'm working on how to handle the increase of responsibility and other such life lessons. I think I'm handling everything ok. Who knows? We'll just have to wait and see.

Stalker

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 03:02:29 GMT

So...I hate Facebook right now. This random man asked me to be his friend. I didn't care whether we were or not, so I approved the request. We start off with the simple pleasantries that dominate conversations between strangers. Then we graduate to AIM. That's when this story gets creepy. He begins to tell me how pretty I am and how he's interested. He knows I'm taken. He tries to convince me that Jake is cheating and that I shouldn't be with just one man for the rest of my life. Also, I should tell Jake that we should see other people.

Towards the end of the conversation, he informs me that I am immature and that I am a terrible writer. My response was that AIM and FB aren't the best conveyances for literary talent.

He will FB me later about me taking him with me to the tattoo parlor and how my eyebrows are perfect.

He keeps trying to get me to cuddle...me...a submissive...what a dumb fuck. He begins to claim that this was a joke and that he felt sorry for me. He claims I'm mentally fucked. Apparently someone I know told him all of this.

All I have to say is that this man needs therapy. What kind of human being plays a joke like this. Honestly, my dogs are more ethical. I hope karma takes care of this. I've decided to ignore him if he tries to talk to me again. And, I don't care who the person was. I have my family, my friends, and my Jake. And...the dagger...dumb fucks beware.

Jealousy

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 03:42:52 GMT

So I'm jealous. I admit it. I've tried avoiding this, but I am. I hate when Jake talks about his exes, or when he left me to go talk to one we saw at the movies. I know he's faithful, I'm just a territorial person. I've never had much of anything, especially friends. So, when I feel that something or someone is being taken I get aggressive. It's not that I do anything, I just feel it. And in my examples I'm not being mean or anything. It's just how I'm feeling. My main example is 2 friends of mine. I was friends with both of them for a long time. I introduced them and now they are dating. Which I'm glad they are happy...don't get me wrong they are perfect together...it's just I feel left out. Without me they wouldn't have met and now I feel like one of them is drifting. The other isn't at all, she's quite constant. He, on the other hand, seems to have forgotten me (from my point of view). Jake just said to let it go. And when I've confronted him or her it seems like it'll be better, but it isn't. I know this looks so damn petty and I seem like a bitch. I just feel like I'm losing the few people I have. And I'm clawing at them trying to keep them from slipping away. I hate feeling this way, and I've tried fixing it. But, everyday my progress collapses under the weight of new news about their relationship. Any conversation has to include tons about the other person and my heart breaks. I want them together...I just want to not feel jealous. I just...can't.

Growing

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 03:31:49 GMT

So I've done it. I've finally stopped planning so much. I'm letting go this idea that I'll run out of time and die too soon. Yes that's my biggest fear. That I'll leave everyone too soon and they'll suffer. I've just always seen death and not through actual physical death (difficult to explain). I just see it in my nightmares and in my heart. My nightmares are especially horrific...waking Jake up by my thrashing or yelling is a constant. I just can't shake this feeling that I've got something to do and I know it won't be pleasant. It's taken My Knight to help me begin to live. I'm finally being me around people...I'm finally free. I still have lots to get over...like Schley, my worrying, spiders (lol). But, I know I have Jake, Haydon, Sam, Tracy, Mom, Hannah, etc. who will help me and let my quirks go for now. I'll try for the rest of my life to be me...I'll just always know that there's a part of me that will be on guard, waiting for that moment. And I won't fear it or the pain. I only fear the pain it'll cause others.

I know this is dark but I feel I need to say it. If not out loud, in my writing. Without my writing, I would be mad and definitely not as I am now.

Religion's True Purpose

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 17:32:36 GMT

When did people change the purpose of religion from praising a deity to persecuting those who are different? When did God say, "Use your belief in me to hate others?"

I love The Golden Compass. I have not read it or seen it, but I feel it allows for humans to expand their understanding of their world. It is not about converting people to atheism or promoting atheism, it is about an author describing how he and others feel in story form. We should be exalting this man for such an open-minded work, not boycotting through ignorance. Open-mindedness makes us human.

I believe in God. In fact, I'm a Catholic. But, I understand expanding past my own sphere so I can truly comprehend and appreciate God's creation.

For the love of God, let it go!

Home...Jasper sucks for me...

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 15:45:39 GMT

Is it bad that I'd rather stay in Louisville for Christmas? I mean all my friends are here, and my own life is here (especially my huge room I have to myself). I feel like I belong here. When I go back to Jasper, I'm lonely and feel out of place. No one from high school ever wants to hang out with me or anything and my family gets busy, so I end up bored and alone at my house. If I were here I could go out with friends and find tons to do (unlike Jasper). Also, my family has started treating me like a distant relative who should be treated as a guest and not a family member.

Then fights ensue and just general badness. The only light at the end of the tunnel is spending a week at my boyfriend's family's house. Even though Jake is having his wisdom teeth removed (he'll be cranky), I still will feel more at home there. I hate to say it but his family treats me better. I just feel bad for wanting to go to Jake's and stay here and not go see my family...

I guess this is how many people feel when it comes to the holidays. I know that once I get home there will be good and bad things that happen, but I can't shake this anxiety that I'll be miserable and alone for two weeks. Hopefully, I'll get through it and it won't be as bad as I'm thinking.

Happy Christmas!

Patience is a Very Difficult Virtue

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 17:28:47 GMT

Today God tested my patience. For those that know me, you know I'm extremely impatient most of the time. But today I realized the limits of my patience. A girl threatened to beat me up for standing up for my best friend. After she came towards my friend yelling and falsely accusing her and I tried to keep peace. I didn't touch her, but she claimed I did so she ran off to get a "large" friend to come threaten me. This girl even tried to stare me down which again for those that know me is a very futile thing to do because I will win. All I wanted to do was throttle her, but I kept my cool and just got my friend out of there. My boss was even told I had pushed this girl, so I had to explain myself. Don't worry! I'm not in any trouble. It took all my strength not to let my primitive urge to hurt take over. Most of you will claim this is my will power and not my patience. No...my will is strong and I "willed" to beat this girl...my patience held me back to think of a peaceful resolution. But, after all of this, I'm more proud of myself than I ever have been in my life. I helped a friend and proved I can be the bigger woman.

My mother once gave me advice that actually helped. She was once threatened to be pushed on her butt by a bully in elementary school, so my mother sits down and says "Now what?"...The moral: Why hit them and get punished when you can be smarter and let them stew in their own shit...that person is not worth your honor. And you know what? I think I'm starting to realize my mom is actually right...

I Hate This Day

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 18:44:09 GMT

Today is terrible. This week even. Jake and I are fighting...and he's confusing the hell out of me. Classes seem to be endless. Errands keep getting added to the already overbooked list. I have yet to be able to exercise. My dad's an even bigger bastard. And banks...well banks are the institutions that the Antichrist uses to torture humans. *sigh* I just want to have a good weekend, but homework and Jake and I "talking" is proving to destroy any hope of relaxation or joy. I know we all have bad weeks. I just needed to vent it all. All my worrying about Jake is keeping me from sleeping or being able to concentrate in general. Maybe I'm overreacting and I hope to God I am. I just hate the fact I'm always the one people either tell secrets to or take their anger out upon me. I don't mind it most days but this week I was already stressed enough...God help me to get through this year...I'm going to need it...

Life's Questions

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 02:31:51 GMT

Ok...I know I haven't written in an extremely long time, but life sometimes prevents us from activies. Well this summer has been the most unique of my life. First, I could not find a job. Second, I became ill and was on painkillers for a month. Third, I went to Britain. Fourth, I know for certain I've found my soulmate. Finally, I'm being adopted by my mother's boyfriend, so I will have an actual father. May I say huge life changes here? I will say I'm proud of myself for handling all of this with any kind of dignity. Not that all of what I listed is truly awful...I mean finding a soulmate is not THAT bad...I'm just wondering if I deserve any of this. Admittedly I did not deserve to be ill or to lack a steady paycheck, but am I good enough for a man, a father, or my life's dream (going to Cambridge and working for the British Museum). Everyone obviously keeps pounding into my head that I've earned a little happiness. I just can't bring myself to think I am allowed to enjoy life. However, I now know I'm not some hideous reject thanks to my college friends and my Jake. It's just...why should I get to be happy when so many in the world suffer. I see so much pain each time the television hums with life. I would give all my joy to the kids in Africa or in Iraq...they are much more deserving. Maybe one day I can just let go and let God give me a good life...until then, I'll dream of helping anyone I can whether it be giving them money, a shoulder to cry on, or my life...